Lately I've been feeling a little bit insecure about many things mainly including upcoming wedding events. I have my bridal shower and my joint bachelor/bachelorette party coming up and I don't know how to be the center of attention and feel comfortable. I have a constant one sided headache and the medicine that I take for it made me gain a few pounds that I'm not entirely comfortable with. So I guess what I am struggling with is trying to feel special when nothing seems to fit, shopping is frustrating and all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and hope that when I wake up I will feel better. When I pick out what I want to wear to these special events I can't find things that make me match the emotions that I want to feel. This is a special moment in my life and I want to feel that way but right now I just don't. I don't want to have to plan these events or buy things to make. I want to show up, play games, open gifts and enjoy myself. Unfortunately I have to take part in the planning because it wasn't taken on my others in my wedding party.
There have been a few people who tell me to let them know if they can help or what I'd like them to do but the truth is I don't know what they can do because I don't always know what I want. I have ideas but I have a feeling if I let others pick up things to me or take over tasks that it won't come out the way I'd like and then it'd be a wasted effort. I have mixed feelings about asking for help because in the past when I did I got everyone else's opinions and no one asked what I wanted. Instead of waiting for me to ask for help look things up that could be helpful.
I went out with my sister today and did the one thing I didn't want to do. I cried. I don't like to talk about what is bothering me and the reasons I'm frustrated. I grateful for some ideas but I'm not sure if I like the information I get. I want the wedding to reflect who I am and the relationship I have with my future husband. I don't want it to be full of things that other people picked for me. At the same time I want it to look like everything belongs as far a decorations go. I ordered something that I thought would work and be a lovely center piece and missed the fact that what I was ordering was actually very small. :( I guess I just frustrated with everything and can't make up my mind on what I want help with, what I need help with and what I really want my way about.
I want what I want and there just seems like no way to get it. I want to feel healthy, beautiful and special. I want to think of my wedding be able to look forward to it and not think that everything could go wrong. I thought I'd get a lot more done by now with two months left but I guess I'm just lost. I don't know what to do, where to go, what I should do next.
I still need attire for the men in the bridal party, flowers, ceremony and reception decorations, to taste and confirm the reception menu, cars, the DJ must play and don't play lists, meet up with the photographer and go over looks. I still need to find an outfit for the parties that are coming up and how I will make myself feel special. I'm not comfortable in my own body and going to my last dress fitting and praying that the dress will zip all the way many that feeling compound. I've tried on a few dresses and most of them do fit the way I'd like, it they do if they don't make me feel special so it seems very pointless to keep going shopping.
Just my thoughts.... take them as you will......
No comments:
Post a Comment