At this point in the wedding planning process I figured I'd have a lot more done. I wanted to get everything done this summer so that I knew I'd have time to relax. Well as we are full aware things in my world don't go as planned. Stress with work and other things has kept me from doing everything I wanted. The limitations placed on decor by the venue are proving to be a challenge and I can't figure out a clear idea of what I want. Every time I think about my wedding lately it causes nothing but stress. People tell me to ask for help or let them know if I need anything but I'm not sure how to verbalize that I need WAY too many things done and the people I would love to turn to for help are doing nothing but adding more stress. I should be elated that my Bridal shower is coming up soon and that the joint bachelor/bachelorette party is later that night but I'm just worried that none of it will work out and that it will be an EPIC fail just like my birthday usually is...(which my birthday so happens to be 10 days before my wedding) .
I would love to just order the bird cage centerpieces that I saw on etsy that I love but I can't seem to make up my mind as to what overall look I want when everyone walks into the reception.
I have ideas of what I want (and they would all require a different locale a huge tent with chandeliers, fabric draped walls, a beautiful view, flowers everywhere, candles lit on every table, a huge dance floor, open bar with signature cocktail, long tables with food served family style and have the backdrop of a stary night sky) and what I don't (a few random decorations that look tacky and do not match what so ever). At times I wish that I am just dreaming that that everything will come together beautifully but I'm beginning to have my doubts.
I've started the alterations on my bridal gown (I am not doing them myself, David's Bridal is) and I'm still not sure of the overall look that I want for when I walk down the isle. I know part of the issue is the lack of self confidence I have right now. As of lately I have not liked the way my body looks in anything and it is something the ripples through when I go clothes shopping. (This is probably why I'm leaning towards a themed bridal shower versus the ones I've seen or been to in the past.) I would love the traditional stuff (getting ready items for the wedding day and the other really girly stuff) but I feel out of my element in that area and I don't want to be embarrassed by any gift that I receive.
I wish I felt more confident all around with everything that I am doing but I'm beginning to doubt myself in all aspects of my life. I'm constantly frustrated with everything that I attempt to do or project I take on. I wanted to be a very DIY Bride and take pride in knowing that many aspects of my wedding were going to be designed, assembled or crafted by me. But now it seems like a huge burden that I don't want to take on. A few people have tried to be helpful but they don't know most of the information that they would need to help. I can't figure out the flower arrangements and when I would find the time to assemble them and store them to have handy for the day of the wedding. Not to mention the cost of flower if I choose not to do it myself have order them from a florist. I really don't want to pay someone over $100 per bouquet when I can make them all for $80-150 total.
There has been a few times recently where I just want to throw in the towel and say good riddens to the whole thing. I can't figure out what I need because I don't know what has been purchased by others on my behalf. I more worried about paying off the things I contracted to do (venue, photographer, cake, catering, hotel room block, etc.) rather then getting everything decorated, welcome baskets assembled, etc. Why can't I just have the fairy tale that is in my head? My subconscious response is that real life is not a fairy tale but my hearts says that your wedding should be like one. It should be the story of your love for the person that you are joining your life to. By the end of October I will have promised to love, honor and cherish a wonderful man whom's love I couldn't bear to be without. Because in the end...(this photo says it best)
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