So let's be honest today, when it comes to wedding planning lately I'm over it. I feel like I have no support and no voice. It's my wedding but it doesn't feel like it lately. I feel like I have to do everything myself and that I can't count on anyone for help. Every aspect of my "stress free wedding planning" has been nothing but drama. I know in the end it's all about the marriage but that doesn't change the fact that I have to plan events that should be hosted in my honor. I can't seem to feel comfortable in my wedding dress or develop a plan for how to be comfortable. I just keep thinking back to the day I was dress shopping and trying to pick dresses. I was so not ready to pick a dress and it seems like when the words, "I think so" came out of my mouth everything started being picked for me instead of asking what I was really thinking or what I wanted. I really wanted to keep looking and come back. Instead I had a deposit on a dress and by the end of the summer I had a dress hanging in my closet. In a few short months after that my wedding did a complete 180 from the original plan of a relaxing, casual, simple church ceremony with bowling reception to a romantic, yet understated elegant ceremony and reception. I'm still trying to have a little fun with my wedding but I just can't get over everything that is going wrong. I feel like my bridal party is falling apart and that I have to support myself. I can't get an honest opinion from anyone and all this wedding stress just makes me want to run and hide.
I honestly can't take it if something goes wrong with this day. I feel like it'll all be my fault because I'm the one planning it. I have great ideas for what I would like but I have no one to depend on but me and I can't figure out how to execute the thoughts in my head. It's difficult to try to do things when everyone is so far apart or so busy. I would love to share my ideas with my bridesmaids and have them help me with things but I can't. Such is life!! I would love to be able to talk about ideas and what I want without the opinions of others. I wish I felt like I had the support of those around me but I feel nothing but judgement. I asked my fiancee his opinion about something and pretty much bit his head off because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wasn't looking for simple words. I wanted a detailed opinion, I wanted feedback. I wanted to hear the words of doubt that I have in my brain coming out of someone else's mouth. I wanted my worries to be confirmed or washed away, what I got felt like a cliche. I don't know what I need at this point, but what I do know is I ether need someone to help me do things or tell the next person who tries to put in their opinion on my day to write it down, put it in a box and shove it when the sun don't shine because I could care less. I get a lot of input about things I never asked about and no one in turn asks what I was thinking. Here's a thought for a change, maybe I changed my wedding because I was tried of people not calling me back, maybe I changed the dresses because it fit more of what my dream wedding would be like, MAYBE I don't like my dress because I don't feel like I'm the one who picked it, maybe the best part about my wedding is the fact that I get to marry the man I love because that is the only part worth wile at the moment. Everything else seems for show and not worth my time.
Today I figured out how to blend the ideas that I have for my bridal shower. I would like a 1950s housewife theme with a blend of the Alphabet. Have people bring their favorite recipes and use the gift tags we could include with the invites to spell out my name. We could play some simple games and have a few treats; maybe a slight tea party. But unless my fairy godmother comes to visit and makes my dreams come true I'll probably skip this experience too. Just like I plan to do for my bachelorette party because what fun is a girls night celebrating someone if no one wants to participate and the bride has to plan it.
I just want to pull away and say do whatever you want that doesn't require me to do anything because other than the cake and the photos nothing really feels like me. I suppose the best part of the wedding will be the vows because that will be from the heart. Nothing seems to go as planed so why bother planning!!!
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